bAnGkOk eScArGoT
The weekend before I arrived, there were massive demonstrations to oust the greedy mother fucker prime minister. It worked, and now they are restructuring the government, as well as writing a new constitution. Apparently, this happens every several years!

LunGE monkey, my local performance troupe, will launch our show “sOrRy I’M late!” next week. With 8 thai guys (3 pupeteers, 3 mimes, 2 musicians), an American clowness, and me, we explore family, ironic oxymoronism, paradox, fathoming the unfathomable, cArRots, abandonment, seeing the unseen, singing the unsung, killing the dead, etc., all performed within and in proximity to a giant 3X6 metre television. I play the baby. It’s weird. The show runs from june 6 thru… july or august or….

this rabbit, happy, is one of my roomates

here in bangkok, having been charged with training artists, creating, directing and performing a show: i find am frustrated, sad, lonley, misunderstood, etc. it is one of the hardest things i have done, but not for the obvious reasons.
an entry from Tue, 16 May 2006 04:29:06:
and today, again, i feel there is an implicit sadness floating around...
for lately i feel often a very deep sadness weighting me down, and yet, it is not mine. all i can recon is that it is in the air here. the longer i stay here, the more of 'what lies beneath the surface' reveals itself to me: by that i mean, what is in the deep darkness of peoples lives, (everything that they don't show in front of others or in public). i just seem to absorb that shit! its whackd! which brings me to my own darkness, for within the depths of this sadness that i am experiencing, i am inexplicably faced with facing my own demons...and i thought i had done so, but, OOPS! i forgot!; one must constantly do this work. facing demons is not a one time job. as in any relationship, it takes attention, and care.

me? what do i feel, you ask? fear. i feel fear..when i cannot feel myself, like floating without a body or feeling that i recognize. lonliness. when i can have no friends, or intimacy relations - there is no-one here that i can really talk to, to share with.. anger. at the extent with which so many people are so blind and just go about their lives not realizing the implications of their actions. );

so, i remember: the still point, and slowly try to realize what all of this means in relation to my life...i never said i 'didn't like bangkok'..the fact is, iam at odds with it. it makes me face things about myself...i think i am finally facing the anamoly of my relationship with woman.


and besides, the level and style of supression here is so much more refined here, that for me, it crept under my skin slowly, braced it's rotten tentacles about my sinews and ever so gently began knawing, slobbering it's slimey poison about my bloodstream...until i could identify the little (hah!) bugger and rock it to sleep, within myself, anyway. the rest of
the population is another story.

then today, i realized, yet again, that i am full of fear.fear of leading, fear of following, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of crowds, fear of alone, fear of responsability, fear of no responsabilities, far of the manifestations of my contempt for humanity (whm i love more than life itself), fear of the apparent apathy that washes over that contempt, etc.....

to be honest, it is really going somewhere: i, today, feel as though i am awakening from anesthecization after undergoing spiritual surgery...funny, the producer of this event, which will run for 8 weeks, playing on university campuses throughout bangkok, is a reformed surgeon. very interesting chap who runs a consulting business, and hires artists to make events. he was also the producer of the hOOntoWn festival in which i accompanied puppet shows last december.
may be time to write a book and Manifest a functional religion